Who doesn’t love wearing green and having an excuse to drink alcohol? St. Patrick’s Day is the best. For this special day, I have a gift for you: two separate stories of times that I got way too fucking drunk on St. Patrick’s Day. You’re welcome.
Forewarning… there will be discussions of vomit. If that isn’t your thing and you won’t find my idiocy amusing then I suggest you look away. Look here instead. I promise it’s nothing weird.
Story Number One: Best Smell Ever
When I was 20-years-old and in my first relationship ever, I attended a party at the home of my then-boyfriend’s sister. She was a pretty big partier and lived with a bunch of dudes and animals. That house was always a lot of fun, but pretty chaotic.
Anyway, we were there for St. Patrick’s Day. I hadn’t been drinking for very long at this point, so it didn’t take a lot for me to get wasted. I don’t remember all the details because a) this was 6 years ago and b) I was really drunk.
I do remember having a drink called an Irish Car Bomb, which I believe was a combination of Jameson, Guinness, and Bailey’s. I remember thinking it sounded disgusting but tasted delicious. I had a few other various things that probably included some Smirnoff Ice. I was also a weenie at that time in my life.
There came a point in the night that I knew I was going to get sick. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of my boyfriend’s cool sister and her friends, so I walked casually into the nearest bathroom, shut the door, and positively spilled my guts all over the bathroom.
Here’s the thing about me. I always make it to a bathroom (or outside), but I don’t always make it into the appropriate place for vomiting.
In this particular case, the puke was everywhere. It was in the toilet, it was on the toilet, it was on the shower curtain, the floor, the scale, the bath rug… it was awful.
My drunk self took toilet paper and tried to sop it up. Apparently I was taking a long time in the bathroom, so then-boyfriend knocked on the door at a certain point to check on me. I let him in and told him what happened. Also drunk (but attempting to be helpful), he told me to hold on a second and he would go get something.
I expected maybe he’d return with some cleaning supplies or something appropriate to rid the room of my spew… no. He had gone to his car and gotten his cologne. He proceeded to spray his cologne to try and cover the smell. Bless him, he did also help clean up. Granted, I don’t think we did the best job given our condition at the time.
Not long after we left the bathroom, one of his sister’s roommates walked by the bathroom and exclaimed something akin to, “Ugh! What smells like donkey dick?”
Apparently my puke + cologne = donkey dick. The more you know.
Story Number Two: 2 Drunk 2 Function
In addition to being a fun drinking day, St. Patrick’s Day is also one of my best friend’s birthday. Two years ago, I went to his birthday party. I’m awkward around people I don’t know very well and I didn’t know most of the guests as anything more than just acquaintances. My other good friend wasn’t going to get to the party until later because of her work schedule.
So I decide to do something really smart: I pregamed.
I got to the party and proceeded to take about three shots in my car before walking in. I wanted to be a little uninhibited so as to forgo the awkwardness.
When I went inside, I was immediately given a drink. I drank it fairly quickly, got another drink, and felt pretty good pretty fast.
I think I managed to handle myself well until it was decided that we would play drinking games. I think we started with “Never Have I Ever.” I always win (lose?) that game because there are many things that I haven’t done, but I still had to drink my fair share. We may have played king’s cup (this is called different things in different circles) and we definitely played flip cup. I’d never played flip cup, so it was probably bad that my first time was when I was pretty hammered.
Anyway, at this point I was what I call 2 Drunk 2 Function. I go outside to throw up (I think) and find myself having a conversation with a guy I’d worked with at Pizza Hut a few years before. He was smoking while I laid in the grass and periodically vomited. I was beyond shame at that point.
My aforementioned friend finally got off work, showed up to the party, and pretty much immediately had to take me home. I think she might have gotten two sips out of the drink she made before she realized that the Drunk Cherie Spiral was well under way.
She then took a video of me in the car on our way home wherein I quoted Wayne’s World and talked about our old boss. I wonder if she still has that…
Needless to say, this particular incident resulted in one of the worst hangovers in my life as well as a story that my friends bring up anytime they want to embarrass me.
So those are two of my most embarrassing drunken stories, both involving St. Patrick’s Day. Do you have any fun stories involving alcohol?
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